Joy in My Struggle

Have you ever been in a place where you were so emotional, so tired, and so broken down by your struggle?

If so, then I’m here to say you are not alone. The past couple weeks have been very hard for me, as the Lord has been digging up and uprooting things in me to make room for the good He wants to put there. I’ve had to go through many emotionally exhausting things, and it has not been easy. Relationships coming to an end, hurts being brought to the light, insecurities flaring up, and self-doubt have all played a part in my total break down.

Yesterday, as I came home from a really emotionally rough day, where I was so angry at myself and ashamed of who I was and what I looked like, I got angry with God.

“Why me?! Why do I have to go through these things, and why now?”

God’s tenderness in response to my anger is one of the reasons He is such a good, good Father. You’re coming up stronger; you’re an overcomer. This season you’re in is to refine you. You asked for deeper levels, new found heights. You’re going through the valley to get to the mountain.

Okay, God. You’re right. I asked for this. And I know that You’re going to bring me through to better things. I knew in my mind and my heart that there was a reason I was going through so much so fast. But what about my heart? I felt ugly, I felt stupid, and I felt downright depressed.

Laying in bed, while the world around me is silent and dark, I called out to Him. “God, I need you to tell me that I’m beautiful. I need to feel it, hear it, believe it.”

He brought to mind two different scriptures. The second of the two was Song of Songs 4:7. “You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.”

But the first scripture was Psalms 4:7. “You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.”

At first, I was like, what the crap? God, I asked you to tell me I was beautiful. What’s with this scripture on joy?

I didn’t get it until this morning. He told me first that He has given me greater joy than those who have nice things, great things. Even in my struggle, where it seems like others are living perfectly stable lives and enjoying their walk much more than I, He has given me greater joy than that.

My joy in Him is not determined by how much success I have. My joy in Him is not determined by how beautiful I am or how awesome I am. I am all of those things because He said so, but first, I am His daughter. He has given me a joy that is greater than any fathomable success, and I can hope in Him.

Of course, He still told me I am beautiful, I am His darling. But first, He reminded me what He has given me. That I don’t have to live in sadness, or in such a sensitive place that I cry over the simplest thing. No matter what I feel or what I’ve been going through, I have joy because that is what He has given me. I will keep my joy despite the struggle, and have faith in Him that what I’m going through will lead out into better things.



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